Done Pretending
by Ayshen
Summary: Too much time, too long defending, the truth is you and I are done pretending. Harly One-shot.


**A/N: Okay so I am nervous about this because I am a new viewer of ATWT…so please forgive me if I make any mistakes in history/accuracy, also I only know Carly/Holden from what I've seen. Also there might be a couple confusing parts but it will make sense at the end. I hope I do them justice. Anyway, feedback is appreciated. **

It had been thirty six days, four hours, 26 minutes since he had last seen her face. Those blue eyes shining back at him with so much sadness. He would have rather killed himself then put that look in those eyes. So he did what she asked, he walked away. Walking out of that church had been torture…like stopping the biggest valve to his heart. He was dying on the inside.

He thought about going back to Lily and begging. It only seemed appropriate since Carly had asked him too. He couldn't…not like this…not when he loved her. So instead he rented a little cabin outside of town, somewhere he wouldn't have to see her and not be able to touch her, hold her, kiss her.

It was funny, how you could know someone forever…and then one day…look at them in a different light. Notice the passion in those cornflower blue eyes, how the angles lit her face, the delicate column of her neck, the swell of her breasts, the lean torso tapering to the curve of her hips. It was hard to be in close proximity of her without touching her, to feel the silk of her skin under the rough pads of his fingers, to not take her in his arms 

and want to hold her forever. He knew it was wrong…mourning losing Carly instead of losing Lily…but he was tired of right.

_A thousand times I've seen you standing _

_Gravity like lunar landing _

_You make me wanna run till I find you_

_I shut the world away from here _

_I drift to you, you're all I hear _

_As everything we know fades to black_

She was supposed to be happy…she wasn't supposed to lay in bed for hours thinking of those green eyes…or imagine his arms encircling her. It was best for everyone involved if she just forgot about Holden Snyder…best for everyone but her. She wore a smile for her children but on the inside her heart was shattered in a million pieces his last words replaying like a scratched record.

"_How am I supposed to pretend that I don't want you?"_

Two sinners in a church…it seemed appropriate that it was the place where they...she decided to end it. The place where she heard him tell God or whomever that he loved her. She said it was better if she forgot it…forgot those words that made her heart race. It 

was a lie…she could never forget…never forget his words or the way he looked at her…and she would never forgive herself for not telling him that she loved him too.

_I never thought that I  
Had anymore to give  
You're pushing me so far  
Here I am without you_

The out of place summer rain pounded the small roof of the cabin. He was supposed to go see the kids today but Lily had made some excuse and he was tired of fighting. So instead he stared at the ceiling wondering where she was, what she was doing. He missed her, and not just physically. He missed the way he could be himself, the way she made him smile and laugh. The part that was killing him was that he had lost his friend.

_We should've had the sun  
could have been inside  
Instead we're over here_

Driving down the slick road she wondered what it was she saw in Jack Snyder. He was a pompous ass that constantly needed to play hero. Not only did he not listen to her but he put her down…even in front of her children. She was done with that, Janet could have him. After Holden she couldn't go backwards. He had shown her what it felt like for someone to value your opinion…to listen to you...to trust and respect you…regressing was no longer an option.

_Drink to all that we have lost  
Mistakes we have made  
everything will change  
but love remains the same_

_(Love Remains the Same – Gavin Rossdale)_

His moment of peace was ripped away the moment her heard the skid of the tires and the crash. He didn't even bother grabbing a jacket, simply throwing shoes out and running out to the forest.

She hadn't seen the tree until it was too late…until everything started to fade to black.

For a moment he saw nothing in the black of the night…then a light in the distance. This was a pretty deserted road on a clear night, and his nearest neighbor was miles away….if the sound of the crash was an indication then he was needed to help.

The dark SUV was wrapped around a tall evergreen in the distance, he stumbled over the rocks…and then he saw recognized it as the adrenaline kicked in and no longer did he feel the mud under his feet or the sharp droplets smattering his face…all he cared about was getting to that car.

Floating…that's what it felt like, floating on air…the lullaby of his voice pouring over her like honey.

He practically tore the door of the car to get to her. She looked tiny, her alabaster skin marred by a deep gash on her forehead.

"Carly, Carly…Carly please, wake up" he begged unhooking her seatbelt.

Touching her face he kept trying to get a response, "Carly, please God, Carly…please be okay"

She felt weightless in his arms as he carried her back to his own car. He needed to get her to the hospital and he sure as hell wasn't going to wait for some ambulance.

"_What are you smiling at Stable boy?" she asked her chin perched in her hand._

_He didn't say anything just kept smiling._

"_Two can play at that game" she thought as she went back to flipping through her magazine. _

_Fifteen minutes in he spoke, "So I was wondering"_

"_Uh-huh" she said feigning disinterest._

"_You know about you becoming my wife"_

_Her eyes were big as saucers as she saw the grin on his face and the open ring box, "Holden Snyder!?"_

"_Is that a yes?"_

_Jumping into his arms she nuzzled close to his ear, "Yes, yes, yes"_

He drove with one hand on the steering wheel another hand holding the pressure on her head. In his mind he knew that head wounds bled more then others…but he couldn't shake the feeling in his stomach…the fear gnawing at his insides. He wouldn't lose her…he couldn't.

"_Do you Carly Tenney take Holden Snyder to be your lawfully wedded husband to have and to hold, to love and to cherish as long as you both shall live?"_

"_I do"_

"_And do you Holden Snyder take Carly Tenney to be your lawfully wedded wife to have and to hold, to love and to cherish as long as you both shall live?"_

"_I do"_

"_Then by the power vested in me in the state of Illinois I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride"_

_She watched his evergreen colored eyes dance with mischief and it made puddles in her blue ones._

"_You're mine always Stable Boy"_

"_Forever Mrs. Snyder" he said before capturing his lips._

When he pulled up to the emergency room he didn't bother pulling the keys out of the ignition, all he cared about was getting her inside…making sure she was okay. He lifted her too him, holding her close, willing his strength into her.

"Help" he yelled bursting through the doors.

Doctors crowded around them asking questions, taking vitals after he put her on the stretcher and all Holden could think was how he might lose her…that he would never see those eyes dancing back at him…

"_So?"_

"_So, what?"_

"_What does it say?"_

_The small casing lay in the palm of her hand…upside down._

"_I don't know…I'm too nervous, you look" she said coming behind him and resting her chin on his shoulder._

_He took it, "How about we look together"_

_Silently she nodded against his back._

_Flipping it he couldn't help the grin, "Carly"_

"_Yeah"_

"_You can open your eyes"_

_When she did the test was right there a big + sign._

"_We're having a baby!" she exclaimed._

_Tears sprang to his eyes, "we're having a baby"_

She had been in there too long…he hated it; he hated not to be able to go in there and take care of her.

Jack came flying through the door moments later, "What the hell happened, what did you do to her, and why were you seeing her anyway?" he asked the snide tone alive in his voice.

Holden fought back the anger that began to course through his veins, "We weren't together, she got into a car accident near my new place"

"Oh right, like I am supposed to buy that" he mocked.

His patience level was shot and he snapped getting in his cousins face, "I don't care what the hell you buy…but you are going to show some respect and concern for the mother of your children if you are in here"

Jack pushed by him but stayed silent. Sometimes he wished he could put his cousin's head through a wall. He didn't deserve a woman like Cary, and he didn't even realize how lucky he was.

"_I've never been happier then I am now" he said rubbing lazy circles over her ballooned stomach._

_She smiled, "Me either"_

"_Promise me that you will love me forever Holden…that you'll never let me go" she asked suddenly feeling a surge of emotion._

_He moved to look into her glistening eyes, "Carly Snyder, I'm going to love you forever…and nothing will change that"_

_When he said it like that, she could believe him. Believe a man like him, an honorable man would love a woman like her…but he did, and she never wanted to lose that._

The doctor came out what seemed like hours later, "Miss Snyder is doing fine, she has a nasty bump on her head, some slight bruises and lacerations but she is going to be okay. We are doing more tests but we expect she should wake up in the next 24 hours"

A sigh of relief built in his stomach, she was going to be okay…she was going to be okay.

"_She's growing up too fast" she mused looking at the kindergarten pictures._

_They lay in front of the crackling fire tangled in each other and a flannel throw, "It seems like just yesterday she was so tiny in that little pink blanket"_

"_How would you feel about another pink blanket?" she asked flipping to where there eyes met in a deep gaze._

"_Are you?" he asked the smile in his voice giving him away._

_She smiled back, "Not yet…but, I want to be"_

_Pulling her on top of him he smiled, "Well, no time like the present" he said kissing her lips. _

He hadn't wanted to leave but with Jack scowling at him from across the room, the dried blood on his shirt, and still damp jeans he decided he should at least go back and shower.

Before he could manage to get out Lily walked out of the elevator.

"So it's true" she said tears pooled in her eyes.

Turning to Jack he shot a disgusted look at him, "Jack called you?"

"Answer my question Holden, is it true, have you been seeing each other?"

Shaking his head, "No, it's not true…but God you know what, I wish I had been"

Lily's mouth flailed open and Jack came from behind smashing him to the wall, "What did you say?"

"I wish she would have been with me…I've wished that every day since I let her go"

"_Do you want me to leave Carly, is that what you want?"_

_Tears sprang to her eyes, "No, okay…but I deserve for you to…to walk away from her and never look back"_

_He looked at her those green eyes boring holes in her, "Why do you do that…try to destroy us because it's what you think you deserve?"_

_She couldn't help the flood of tears, "Because it is"_

_His arms wrapped around her tightly, "When I said I would love you forever, I meant it…just please stop pushing me away…let me love you"_

Jack released him and he moved to walk until he heard the doctor.

"Carly is awake"

He watched Jack move to the door and the doctor stop him, "She keeps saying Holden's name"

Feet couldn't carry him fast enough to the door…his heart was in his stomach…there were so many things he needed to say...words that had waited too long…when he saw her he forgot his well rehearsed speech…she looked so tiny and fragile in the bed with the machines surrounding her.

"Hey you" she said weakly.

"Hey yourself" he said slowly coming to her side.

She let a little smile out, "Word is you're my hero"

Shrugging, "I'm just glad you're okay"

"Carly, I" "Holden" they said at the same time.

"Go ahead" he said taking her tiny hand into his own.

The warmth of his skin upon hers made her whole body tingle, "After I got knocked out…I had these weird, dreams I guess"

"Really?"

"Of a life with you" she finished.

"What do you mean" he asked confused, his heart racing.

Carly looked at him those blue eyes shining like crystals, "I don't know if I could explain it but you were there, looking at me like that…and when I woke up the only thing I could think of was how I never got the chance to tell you I love you"

The words hit him right in his gut, "You love me?" he asked his voice a heavy whisper.

"I do Holden…I didn't want to, I tried to fight it but I love you"

He took a moment to process the words and then he looked at her, "I love you too…and Carly, I'm tired of fighting it…and I'm asking you…just let me love you" he pleaded.

His words repeated in her head over and over again bringing tears to her eyes. She was scared, scared of loving him…but she was more scared of letting him go.

She whispered the words, "Okay Holden…Love me"


End file.
